Dealing with Loss

There are people without whom you dont imagine life. Every decision you make consciously or unconsciously revolves around them and at most times you dont consider the scenario where they may not be around. They may be ones whom you knew the day you were born, or ones who came into the picture much later. You may have known them all your life or only for a few years. You may be sharing each day with them or you may be in touch only through thoughts. Whatever categories they fall into, you tend to take them for granted. You imagine them to be the constants of your universe. It’s only when you have lost them that you wake up to realize that they meant quite a bit to you. The year that went by was a year of losses.

I lost family. A major chunk of it. And am still trying to come to terms with it. It’s not easy. In fact it’s rather tough and try as I might have to put it behind me, it keeps coming back randomly and yet regularly. Some, I lost to death, some to the world and its ways. Either case, its hit me hard. Talking about it may be a way to get over it. So here I am, talking about a few of them.

She was central to my plans. She was probably the reason too. If there was anybody apart from my parents I thought about when making decisions, plans, anything, it was her. And she left me unexpectedly. Selfish as it might seem, I prayed for her to be not taken away. Even if she was suffering. I still cannot believe she’s gone. But somehow I’ve learnt to derive strength out of her being with the Gods. I think she’s sitting there watching me. I am waiting for the day I can look up to the heavens and see her smiling. She lives on. So she can still stay central to my plans.

They weren’t the closest of family. But the routine included them. And I had pictured a day when I would be able to make the unexpected happen. It never did. But I thought it would. It was wiped off at one go. The curtains brought down abruptly. To imagine the emptiness and void it has created is painful. It had to be the worst tragedy that’s ever happened to my family. To be looking forward to witnessing the miracle of birth only to meet up with death gorily is the kind of stuff that the worst nightmares are made of. To think that she had to see this happen even as she was recovering from another major setback in life, leaves me numb.

One of them decided, one day, to go away. I didn’t try too hard to make it happen otherwise. I am a bit disappointed with myself that I couldn’t be of help. The drifting away from the other one was expected. So it doesn’t hurt so much.

She also left us unexpectedly. I have admired her for the courage with which she lived the life she had to. I wanted to be able to tell her that one day. She was one person I wanted to see happy. Not because she was a hero who was up to extra ordinary things, but because she was a simpleton who didn’t give up. I shudder at the thought of what would have become of me were I to face similar situations. I only pretend to be brave when I am a real coward. She was a hero for me. She really was. I wish I could tell her that. I can only wish.

When I lost that thing I had, I thought it would be simple to get over it. It wasn’t the most important thing; there wasn’t too much attachment with it, that’s what I told myself. Maybe I was lying to make it easy. I don’t know. But the strain remains. The hurt, it’s not unbearable, but it stays.

They say time heals, you move on. I doubt if it’s that way. I don’t see it happening with me. Every time the thoughts come to mind, they tear me apart. I’ve not learnt to deal with it. I’ve only learnt to escape. To bar the thoughts from coming to me, to pretend it never happened.

On a more optimistic note, maybe time does heal. But it will definitely be long before I am ready to face the truth with grace.