There are people without whom you dont imagine life. Every decision you make consciously or unconsciously revolves around them and at most times you dont consider the scenario where they may not be around. They may be ones whom you knew the day you were born, or ones who came into the picture much later. You may have known them all your life or only for a few years. You may be sharing each day with them or you may be in touch only through thoughts. Whatever categories they fall into, you tend to take them for granted. You imagine them to be the constants of your universe. It’s only when you have lost them that you wake up to realize that they meant quite a bit to you. The year that went by was a year of losses.
I lost family. A major chunk of it. And am still trying to come to terms with it. It’s not easy. In fact it’s rather tough and try as I might have to put it behind me, it keeps coming back randomly and yet regularly. Some, I lost to death, some to the world and its ways. Either case, its hit me hard. Talking about it may be a way to get over it. So here I am, talking about a few of them.
She was central to my plans. She was probably the reason too. If there was anybody apart from my parents I thought about when making decisions, plans, anything, it was her. And she left me unexpectedly. Selfish as it might seem, I prayed for her to be not taken away. Even if she was suffering. I still cannot believe she’s gone. But somehow I’ve learnt to derive strength out of her being with the Gods. I think she’s sitting there watching me. I am waiting for the day I can look up to the heavens and see her smiling. She lives on. So she can still stay central to my plans.
They weren’t the closest of family. But the routine included them. And I had pictured a day when I would be able to make the unexpected happen. It never did. But I thought it would. It was wiped off at one go. The curtains brought down abruptly. To imagine the emptiness and void it has created is painful. It had to be the worst tragedy that’s ever happened to my family. To be looking forward to witnessing the miracle of birth only to meet up with death gorily is the kind of stuff that the worst nightmares are made of. To think that she had to see this happen even as she was recovering from another major setback in life, leaves me numb.
One of them decided, one day, to go away. I didn’t try too hard to make it happen otherwise. I am a bit disappointed with myself that I couldn’t be of help. The drifting away from the other one was expected. So it doesn’t hurt so much.
She also left us unexpectedly. I have admired her for the courage with which she lived the life she had to. I wanted to be able to tell her that one day. She was one person I wanted to see happy. Not because she was a hero who was up to extra ordinary things, but because she was a simpleton who didn’t give up. I shudder at the thought of what would have become of me were I to face similar situations. I only pretend to be brave when I am a real coward. She was a hero for me. She really was. I wish I could tell her that. I can only wish.
When I lost that thing I had, I thought it would be simple to get over it. It wasn’t the most important thing; there wasn’t too much attachment with it, that’s what I told myself. Maybe I was lying to make it easy. I don’t know. But the strain remains. The hurt, it’s not unbearable, but it stays.
They say time heals, you move on. I doubt if it’s that way. I don’t see it happening with me. Every time the thoughts come to mind, they tear me apart. I’ve not learnt to deal with it. I’ve only learnt to escape. To bar the thoughts from coming to me, to pretend it never happened.
On a more optimistic note, maybe time does heal. But it will definitely be long before I am ready to face the truth with grace.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
R-Day memories
For the last few days (weeks maybe), I have been getting up in the morning everyday, thinking I am going to finish off one of those pieces of crap I wrote, try to make it look less like crap and then put it up. Today, I thought I'll finish up all of them! Mighty plans. Any way, aiming at the stars, I did land up on the tree top. I managed to finish off a random rambling section and so here it is. The setting is this particular R-Day which I would want to remember for quite some time.
Wazapur makes the best poha on earth. Team it up with black tea and you have a specialty combo. I don’t know if it is the promise of this treat that made me wake up with the sun that morning but I surprised myself with my effort. The first decision I made that day left me stranded at a god forsaken place waiting for that white sumo that would arrive any moment but finally came by after a gruesome 20 minutes of dealing with a sick crowd. Anyway, my ride did arrive and after all the delay, we reached Wazapur pretty late. They were all set. They had been waiting.
It was a beautiful day. The golden sun burning away in all glory, that folded flag waiting to be unfurled, to be let open to flutter mightily in the clear blue skies, boys and girls neatly dressed , lined up, standing in rapt attention. It was an atmosphere charged with patriotic feelings. As ‘their man’ did the honors, and our well trained kiddo singers filled the air with the melody of the songs we had taught them, I could see all of us tremble with emotion. We were all charged up. We were all proud to belong to the country under whose skies we stood that day. We were all genuinely happy to be sharing that grand day with those folks from the village, folks who had become a part of our lives.
Our plan for the day was shram daan. Wazapur is cleaner than most places in Mumbai but there definitely was a need to bring to the attention of village’s aam junta that it was up to them to keep their gaon clean. This theme was what we captured in our slogan for the day and it went ‘Aaple gaon swachcha theva’. (Meaning:Lets keep our village clean! That may not qualify as a slogan, but for now let’s assume it does). We got our garbage collection sacks, made 4 groups, assigned leaders and got going. Soon there were enthusiastic shouts proclaiming awareness of the need to keep the village clean, all around. Two things stand out in memory. Firstly, Shamim’s cousin, this young fella from the city who was initially hesitant to mix with the seemingly ‘not so happening’ village kiddos, who went on to lead our troupe with his nonstop slogan shouts. I couldn’t but stop myself from similing at how the fella soon hit it off with our bunch of kids and how he pushed them into continuing with the fervent naarebaazi:). (I’ve marked him as the kool politician I will vote for one day :), provided he joins my party) And then, there was Prema. She had been a darling since day one. She really was the cutest amongst the lot and she won me all over again that day with the persistence she showcased. My darling didn’t give up on picking up garbage from the streets of her village till the very end when we were done with our rounds. She was simply adorable that day! And then came the poha combo deal, the reason why I had made it to this place on this day.
Maybe that was the first time I decided to do something other than the routine Republic Day ritual, but I came back home feeling like I had just saved the world :). It might be very incorrect to think that a few of us doing a few small things to make the less happy people around us a bit more happy, is a sign of a nation waking up to embrace itself, but there was a genuine feel good factor associated with the Wazapur initiative. That was really the way to go. Didn’t we begin with the kids and move on to their parents and the village as a whole? Wasn’t the fact that it was headed in the direction of becoming an initiative of the junta themselves and not us, the fact that it was the gifted amongst them who had become torchbearers of the initiative, indication that it was a success story? It indeed was. Touch wood!
I am hoping I’ll be able to go back there one day to see a set of people who’ve learnt to help each other out and have come out into the world to claim everything it has to offer. I want to be able to see Prema and Paresh do what we did for them, give their people hope and empower them to chase the dreams that shine in their hope filled eyes.
I am pretty sure I am not asking for too much.
Wazapur makes the best poha on earth. Team it up with black tea and you have a specialty combo. I don’t know if it is the promise of this treat that made me wake up with the sun that morning but I surprised myself with my effort. The first decision I made that day left me stranded at a god forsaken place waiting for that white sumo that would arrive any moment but finally came by after a gruesome 20 minutes of dealing with a sick crowd. Anyway, my ride did arrive and after all the delay, we reached Wazapur pretty late. They were all set. They had been waiting.
It was a beautiful day. The golden sun burning away in all glory, that folded flag waiting to be unfurled, to be let open to flutter mightily in the clear blue skies, boys and girls neatly dressed , lined up, standing in rapt attention. It was an atmosphere charged with patriotic feelings. As ‘their man’ did the honors, and our well trained kiddo singers filled the air with the melody of the songs we had taught them, I could see all of us tremble with emotion. We were all charged up. We were all proud to belong to the country under whose skies we stood that day. We were all genuinely happy to be sharing that grand day with those folks from the village, folks who had become a part of our lives.
Our plan for the day was shram daan. Wazapur is cleaner than most places in Mumbai but there definitely was a need to bring to the attention of village’s aam junta that it was up to them to keep their gaon clean. This theme was what we captured in our slogan for the day and it went ‘Aaple gaon swachcha theva’. (Meaning:Lets keep our village clean! That may not qualify as a slogan, but for now let’s assume it does). We got our garbage collection sacks, made 4 groups, assigned leaders and got going. Soon there were enthusiastic shouts proclaiming awareness of the need to keep the village clean, all around. Two things stand out in memory. Firstly, Shamim’s cousin, this young fella from the city who was initially hesitant to mix with the seemingly ‘not so happening’ village kiddos, who went on to lead our troupe with his nonstop slogan shouts. I couldn’t but stop myself from similing at how the fella soon hit it off with our bunch of kids and how he pushed them into continuing with the fervent naarebaazi:). (I’ve marked him as the kool politician I will vote for one day :), provided he joins my party) And then, there was Prema. She had been a darling since day one. She really was the cutest amongst the lot and she won me all over again that day with the persistence she showcased. My darling didn’t give up on picking up garbage from the streets of her village till the very end when we were done with our rounds. She was simply adorable that day! And then came the poha combo deal, the reason why I had made it to this place on this day.
Maybe that was the first time I decided to do something other than the routine Republic Day ritual, but I came back home feeling like I had just saved the world :). It might be very incorrect to think that a few of us doing a few small things to make the less happy people around us a bit more happy, is a sign of a nation waking up to embrace itself, but there was a genuine feel good factor associated with the Wazapur initiative. That was really the way to go. Didn’t we begin with the kids and move on to their parents and the village as a whole? Wasn’t the fact that it was headed in the direction of becoming an initiative of the junta themselves and not us, the fact that it was the gifted amongst them who had become torchbearers of the initiative, indication that it was a success story? It indeed was. Touch wood!
I am hoping I’ll be able to go back there one day to see a set of people who’ve learnt to help each other out and have come out into the world to claim everything it has to offer. I want to be able to see Prema and Paresh do what we did for them, give their people hope and empower them to chase the dreams that shine in their hope filled eyes.
I am pretty sure I am not asking for too much.
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