There is a peculiar habit I have, of living in denial. And it surfaces every time I am faced with extremes in life. Today, for the first time since I started my posts on the blog, I am penning down exactly what I am going through. Maybe the state of mind I am confronting today is imaginary, fashioned by the travails of the lead character of the story I have been reading for quite some time now. Either ways, I intend to record this messy affair.
I am a believer in destiny. And I have always tried to live by the principle of ‘Karma’ that the Bhagvad Gita advocates .I learnt of it first, through a lesson we had in our Hindi texts about Swami Vivekananda; it said ‘Karm kar, Phal ki apeksha na kar’; I was impressed. But, quite in a contrary manner to my aforementioned beliefs, I have always been the planner. And plans cannot really be made without having clear goals in mind. It therefore followed that I had plans for my life too. Discrete plans at that. I guess, I can claim that I have pursued my ambition with dedication. Coming to terms with the fact that a part of your dream has melted away before you could even blink, is, to say the least, upsetting. I have already slipped into the denial mode. This has happened to me before, but what makes it strange this time is that on the one hand as I make efforts to deny my misery, on the other, I am yet again refusing to acknowledge the extreme joy that a certain event in life has brought about. Being torn apart between two extremes is really not something that I am used to. It has left me completely perplexed and clumsy.
My distress and anguish, as I mentioned before have come about due to the realization that my plans do not stand any more. I shall never achieve certain things. In a way, it reinstates my belief in destiny. The very same destiny, I thought, had brought me to a beautiful spring, that I often saw, but dismissed as being a mirage, in the desert of my life. The elation I have experienced, by one fond word has been something I cannot explain to myself, however hard I might try. My mind urges me to deny the quixotic ideas that have crept into my head. My heart doesn’t speak up. Maybe it is overwhelmed by the intensity of feelings that pull at it, and even more by the conflict in them. Maybe silence is an answer. But I am not sharp enough to interpret silences. So there I slip again. Denial is the perfect escape. In both extremes, it is a craven act. Nevertheless, it can spare you a lot of trouble.
I deny the sorrow, I deny the pain of crushed hopes, I deny my dreams; I deny joy, I deny the smile that crosses my face every time I think of that one fond word, I deny the thrill of yearning for more, I deny all fondness of the world. And that’s enough. For now, there is no need to deny the paradox and irony of this scene of life.
6 comments:
Something I penned a while ago came to mind as I read your words here.
Where I began and where I am now,
Where shall I go forward from here,
What shall I leave and what shall I take?
How shall I overcome this unending fear?
Why should I moan and spill a drop tonight,
On things that I am convinced I deny,
Oh! What is left for me to say or write,
All I can do is just try and try and try.
Denial is a very wierd and delicate phase. One goes through it in many ways. Some think of it as a passage to the next destination while some find comfort just knowing it is the only thing they have. I have gone through a lot of denials myself (and probably am still living it a little too) but eventually all you can really do is let the wave of life carry you forth. Let it take across the ocean with its own speed and grace. Let it push you forth to the island your eyes crave for. The more you struggle, the slower your journey is.
My 2 cents. Good write here.
Keep writing. Keep lighting.
Very true...I couldnt agree more with your viewpoint.
Never deny. Cuz denial isn't real. I mean, obv its a lie. And it never leaves u until u deny urself. It sticks to u in the form of guilt, obsession or some other disturbing emotion.
Although ur acceptance of denial just clears up everything. Nice stuff.rock on.
Yes. True. Denial is indeed a Big lie...and it probably sticks on as guilt...yet in a very contrary way it sometimes is essential for you to carry on in life.Of course, one day you have to accept the truth as it is...but the denial phase gives you time to prepare for the worst. :)
Denial is the perfect escape..
but event that is temporary isnt it??
Sure, it is temporary, but many a times living a lie for a short period of time helps you cope with a lot many other things that are possibly more important and need attention. And then you can be back to deal with ur demons!
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