The Perfect Denial

There is a peculiar habit I have, of living in denial. And it surfaces every time I am faced with extremes in life. Today, for the first time since I started my posts on the blog, I am penning down exactly what I am going through. Maybe the state of mind I am confronting today is imaginary, fashioned by the travails of the lead character of the story I have been reading for quite some time now. Either ways, I intend to record this messy affair.

I am a believer in destiny. And I have always tried to live by the principle of ‘Karma’ that the Bhagvad Gita advocates .I learnt of it first, through a lesson we had in our Hindi texts about Swami Vivekananda; it said ‘Karm kar, Phal ki apeksha na kar’; I was impressed. But, quite in a contrary manner to my aforementioned beliefs, I have always been the planner. And plans cannot really be made without having clear goals in mind. It therefore followed that I had plans for my life too. Discrete plans at that. I guess, I can claim that I have pursued my ambition with dedication. Coming to terms with the fact that a part of your dream has melted away before you could even blink, is, to say the least, upsetting. I have already slipped into the denial mode. This has happened to me before, but what makes it strange this time is that on the one hand as I make efforts to deny my misery, on the other, I am yet again refusing to acknowledge the extreme joy that a certain event in life has brought about. Being torn apart between two extremes is really not something that I am used to. It has left me completely perplexed and clumsy.

My distress and anguish, as I mentioned before have come about due to the realization that my plans do not stand any more. I shall never achieve certain things. In a way, it reinstates my belief in destiny. The very same destiny, I thought, had brought me to a beautiful spring, that I often saw, but dismissed as being a mirage, in the desert of my life. The elation I have experienced, by one fond word has been something I cannot explain to myself, however hard I might try. My mind urges me to deny the quixotic ideas that have crept into my head. My heart doesn’t speak up. Maybe it is overwhelmed by the intensity of feelings that pull at it, and even more by the conflict in them. Maybe silence is an answer. But I am not sharp enough to interpret silences. So there I slip again. Denial is the perfect escape. In both extremes, it is a craven act. Nevertheless, it can spare you a lot of trouble.

I deny the sorrow, I deny the pain of crushed hopes, I deny my dreams; I deny joy, I deny the smile that crosses my face every time I think of that one fond word, I deny the thrill of yearning for more, I deny all fondness of the world. And that’s enough. For now, there is no need to deny the paradox and irony of this scene of life.

Of friends, foes and friend turned foes.

However hard one might try to deny the social nature of human beings, it is still a reality. Permanent solitude is something that no one wishes for. We all want to be loved, to be cared for, and given the option of unaccountability and otherwise, we would choose the latter. At the end of the day, all of us want someone to be answerable to. Some may claim that their conscience is a good enough companion; but for sure it cannot compensate for a corporeal soul to laugh and cry with.

Family is a blessing. I am glad to be born in a society that associates the highest importance to family. But there is something spectacular about friendship that makes me put it up at a higher level. It’s fabulous how two complete strangers can build up a bond so miraculous that for them their relationship and its standing transcend everything; sometimes even family. In spite of having strong likes and dislikes, I can categorize myself as the friendly type. I have limitless patience with people. My friends still tease me about my playing agony-aunt to scores of people.

Some of my best friend relationships have started off rather unpredictably, in a way that has made me feel that some things are just mean to be. I have always had good people around me; strong, generous and unbelievably genuine. They have strengthened my belief in the goodness of every human soul. I have also had the not so strong, the not so generous and the not so genuine ones, whom I have still called ‘friends’, for reasons beyond explanations. For me, it really has never been about whether or not my friends will live up to the saying ‘a friend in need is a friend in deed’. It might sound the most pompous statement to make, but I have always lived with the idea that only I can redeem myself. It needs courage to say this, yet I can, that I have never expected anything from any of my friends. For me, it’s been about companionship. And just that. The ‘give and take’ theory is of no consequence to me. Perhaps, that explains why I have never felt let down in a relationship.

All this with one exception, a rather unfortunate one. What is extremely odd about this one association that turned sour, (this one was not with a single individual, but with a set of them) is that the reasons for the fall out are something that I have still not been able to find out, and it never struck me when it happened. I was particularly fond of these people.
We were not bum-chum friends who’ve had great times together, but I thought we would grow into that. I had no clues, the dynamics of this camaraderie was all set to change, and change drastically. We did not turn into ‘foes’ like the title of this post suggests, but all good will was lost; at least from their end. Even today, I simply cannot think of a cause. One mistake I committed was yielding to my ego. When they found it better to deny me, I retaliated in a similar fashion. It was heart-breaking to pretend nonchalance when I was aching to know what went wrong. It possibly meant nothing to them, or maybe they just did not take it so much to heart as I did. Either ways, I took it as a loss for me. With age, you mature; it’s been more than 5years since I met with this ‘accident’. But, the scars still remain. I have sincerely wished and prayed for the ironing out of this one, but it hasn’t worked. I am on talking terms with one of them, the others, still remain alienated.

I started writing this post quite some days back, have been trying to conclude it and put it up, but it had to happen this way, this had to be put up on ‘Friendship’s day’. Some things are just meant to be…