I didn’t notice him when he appeared in front of me for the very first time. The next time, it was magic.
That was probably the first time in life that I acted purely impish. It only helped the cause that there was an equally mad set of friends around. As he spoke of the wonderful things he was up to, we listened awestruck, maybe love struck. He was straight out of the fairytales, the knight in shining armor. We had eyes only for him. The chase began then and continued for some time till he finally was within reach. The other pursuers had given up on the chase by then. I was the only one left. And I didn’t have to chase him anymore. It was bliss.
There was something about him that was endearing. He was a charmer. It was impossible to ignore the fellow. There was nothing outstanding about him, neither the way he looked, nor the way he conducted himself. Yet, he won hearts. One meeting, a small chat and that was all it took. I could never stop envying him for the ease with which he mixed with all kinds of people and made them feel like they were the best thing that happened to him.
I can remember almost all my meetings with him vividly. To this day. There are a few scenes that make me melt every time they come to mind. That day when we sang our hearts out, on top of our voices, like we were claiming the heavens for ourselves will never fade away from memory. None of us were even bathroom singers, but no one could deny the energy and spirit we created that day. It was unbelievable. Another picture that always leaves me dewy eyed is the one where amidst all the merriment and hullabaloo that was part of this celebration we went to, our fellow, the charmer, sat himself down on the ground with his ‘little ones from a far place’ and made sure all of them ate out to their hearts content and enjoyed the party.
He wasn’t really the dream he looked like. There were a lot of things that went against it being so. But somehow, he continued to impress. One could go on and on about what he lacked, try to reason out why he wasn’t really worth the attention he drew everywhere he went. But one had to admit that there was this natural charisma and appeal that he possessed which simply refused to be overshadowed by his follies. It all began and ended pretty soon, but in the short time that he was around, I couldn’t get enough of him.
I am amazed at how some people can be so effortlessly likeable. I wonder how they manage to strike a chord with every soul they meet in life. I wish I could borrow the powerful positive aura they carry around themselves. I’ve met a few of that kind since then. But he still remains on the top spot. I don’t know why I thought of writing about him out of the blue. I simply cannot think of the intent. And yet this one just flowed out of me.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Bidding Adieu
It was time to say goodbye. I was convinced we would meet again. Somehow it did not look as much an impossibility to me as it did to the others. Even as I tried persuading them to believe that I would be back, that I would be there for them, they were drifting away and getting surer that this was the last time we would interact. I am sure the only one who took my word for it when I promised that the goodbye didn’t mean anything and that it was only a temporary hiatus, was me. They did not doubt the sincerity of my emotions. They knew my commitment was genuine. Yet, they thought this was the last they would see of me. Maybe they had a stronger intuition than mine. Time will tell if I was more determined than the dictates of innocent intuition.
It was a special day. We had managed to reverse the scenario that we were in when we had started out. Things were going great for us. And the other initiative that didn’t need me so much as this one, they were here today to learn from us. I felt like a stranger when we started out. New faces all around, taking the lead, all set to make an impact in the lives of a few adopted kids, they impressed me with their enthusiasm. I had to take the backseat. But like it had to be, I had to be part of the action. There had to be something that the newbie could not handle. And I jumped up to grab the chance. In spite of not having been in business for about a month, I was as comfortable as ever. I knew how to get them to understand stuff, didn’t I? I felt proud of myself.
There was a long list of people who had to speak to the audience that day, the leader fella, the visitors and me. The leadership talked forever. He always was like that. His ramblings would never end. There were more exciting things coming up, newer and grander plans, more magnanimous hearts coming out in support of our cause, more money, more books, more competitions and prizes, more fun. The audience was happy. They liked to listen to him. He gave them hope. He was their man. Next came the chance of our visitors from far. It was amazing to watch the very confident teachers of a kiddo crowd far away in the village go through a mini stage fright fit in front of our brats. I was up next. I had come late to class and like I always did, I kept my word by distributing chocolates (this time they looked like cakes) to all. Our new year resolution was to come to class on time, wasn’t it? I secretly hoped that I would set an example of keeping a promise.
We were running out of time. I had to speak up. Let them know that I was about to quit. I put the idea forward. Krishna was agitated. He let us know he was. He told us what we knew anyways. He told us we would all desert them, run away chasing our own dreams. We never wanted to signify a permanence of support for them. But they had come to believe we were just that. I was overwhelmed. I tried my best once again to make them understand that we did not want them to lean on to us but to be independent and self-motivated individuals. I told them I was about to emulate one of their revered leaders, Dr. Baba Sahib Ambedkar and that they should follow suit too. One of my sweethearts came up with something like a joke. When she told the class, our next rendezvous would be via the pages of the history book where I would figure along with Dr. Ambedkar, I laughed hard. The next moment, I was fighting away the tears that swelled my eyes.
It was friendship’s day and I had my hands tied up with colorful ribbons, pink and red most of them. I was glad they took me for a friend. I walked home flaunting my fully tied up hands. Success march.
One more happy day.
It was a special day. We had managed to reverse the scenario that we were in when we had started out. Things were going great for us. And the other initiative that didn’t need me so much as this one, they were here today to learn from us. I felt like a stranger when we started out. New faces all around, taking the lead, all set to make an impact in the lives of a few adopted kids, they impressed me with their enthusiasm. I had to take the backseat. But like it had to be, I had to be part of the action. There had to be something that the newbie could not handle. And I jumped up to grab the chance. In spite of not having been in business for about a month, I was as comfortable as ever. I knew how to get them to understand stuff, didn’t I? I felt proud of myself.
There was a long list of people who had to speak to the audience that day, the leader fella, the visitors and me. The leadership talked forever. He always was like that. His ramblings would never end. There were more exciting things coming up, newer and grander plans, more magnanimous hearts coming out in support of our cause, more money, more books, more competitions and prizes, more fun. The audience was happy. They liked to listen to him. He gave them hope. He was their man. Next came the chance of our visitors from far. It was amazing to watch the very confident teachers of a kiddo crowd far away in the village go through a mini stage fright fit in front of our brats. I was up next. I had come late to class and like I always did, I kept my word by distributing chocolates (this time they looked like cakes) to all. Our new year resolution was to come to class on time, wasn’t it? I secretly hoped that I would set an example of keeping a promise.
We were running out of time. I had to speak up. Let them know that I was about to quit. I put the idea forward. Krishna was agitated. He let us know he was. He told us what we knew anyways. He told us we would all desert them, run away chasing our own dreams. We never wanted to signify a permanence of support for them. But they had come to believe we were just that. I was overwhelmed. I tried my best once again to make them understand that we did not want them to lean on to us but to be independent and self-motivated individuals. I told them I was about to emulate one of their revered leaders, Dr. Baba Sahib Ambedkar and that they should follow suit too. One of my sweethearts came up with something like a joke. When she told the class, our next rendezvous would be via the pages of the history book where I would figure along with Dr. Ambedkar, I laughed hard. The next moment, I was fighting away the tears that swelled my eyes.
It was friendship’s day and I had my hands tied up with colorful ribbons, pink and red most of them. I was glad they took me for a friend. I walked home flaunting my fully tied up hands. Success march.
One more happy day.
Affirmation
It was the most stunning bird I had ever seen. And that still stands. Majestic and Rhapsodic, I was sure it was one of its kind. Wasn’t this the first time I was truly enraptured by a bird? Birds, creatures I had been watching for a long long time! Everything it did pleased me. As it introduced itself chirping and jumping about the branches of the peepal next to my window, I could feel it’s free spirit taking me over. I wanted to equate it to me.
It was the season of waiting. I would stay put at the window every morning in the hope of another conversation with my friend. And did it turn up each day to make me feel like it was going to last forever. It was the most refreshing activity of the day, my meeting with its majesty. It spoke little but I was certain it understood my admiration. I believe it basked in the attention. Each day I wished I could watch it more closely. Although the hints of opening up remained a constant, it never came too close. It always maintained its enigmatic appeal. If one day I discovered it could open out its fan tail and enthrall me with its ‘dancing around the trees’ act, the next day it would surprise me with its exotic display of color. Wasn’t that a crimson and pista green patched coat that I saw! Oh! And it is larger than I thought it is. Aha, and that’s what they call grace. But all of it, Peek a boo.
I wanted to draw close. I wanted to catch its attention. I tried everything in the book to get noticed. Grains, peanuts, chillies, guava, fish, meat. In vain. It seemed happier pecking away the woods. My friends grew in number. Those that feasted on the treat I laid out became regulars. I also gained an agitated set of neighbors who could not tolerate the noise.
It may sound crazy, but I thought it yearned to meet me just like I did. I was foolish. The bird was loved by all. I wasn’t the only one on the window next to the peepal tree. It was my one-track mind that tricked me into believing that it was just the two of us. My neighbors, the same agitated set, they were in the picture too. They were one with me in their admiration for the bird. They lived by the peepal too. They waited every morning for their darling too. And so it was an affair that involved not just the two of us but a whole bunch of “others”. Realization dawned.
Did that matter? I would like to believe it didn’t. But then I would be lying to say I didn’t feel depressed to know that there were “others”. Was I being possessive ? No. Because I didn’t possess it anyway. But there was something amazing about the “imagined” exclusive nature of my bonding with the bird that knowledge of the crowding killed. Was I shattered? Maybe I was. Because I decided to call it quits. I returned back to the routine. There was no more waiting. It was good once again. Till that day.
I cannot believe I have slipped into that thing again. But, I had no options. One fine morning, the bird was all mine. It paid me an exclusive visit. It woke me up with its song at my window. Affirmation it was!
Have I gone into a loop? Yes. I have. Am I being foolish? Maybe I am. But till there is a “break” I’ll go on.
It was the season of waiting. I would stay put at the window every morning in the hope of another conversation with my friend. And did it turn up each day to make me feel like it was going to last forever. It was the most refreshing activity of the day, my meeting with its majesty. It spoke little but I was certain it understood my admiration. I believe it basked in the attention. Each day I wished I could watch it more closely. Although the hints of opening up remained a constant, it never came too close. It always maintained its enigmatic appeal. If one day I discovered it could open out its fan tail and enthrall me with its ‘dancing around the trees’ act, the next day it would surprise me with its exotic display of color. Wasn’t that a crimson and pista green patched coat that I saw! Oh! And it is larger than I thought it is. Aha, and that’s what they call grace. But all of it, Peek a boo.
I wanted to draw close. I wanted to catch its attention. I tried everything in the book to get noticed. Grains, peanuts, chillies, guava, fish, meat. In vain. It seemed happier pecking away the woods. My friends grew in number. Those that feasted on the treat I laid out became regulars. I also gained an agitated set of neighbors who could not tolerate the noise.
It may sound crazy, but I thought it yearned to meet me just like I did. I was foolish. The bird was loved by all. I wasn’t the only one on the window next to the peepal tree. It was my one-track mind that tricked me into believing that it was just the two of us. My neighbors, the same agitated set, they were in the picture too. They were one with me in their admiration for the bird. They lived by the peepal too. They waited every morning for their darling too. And so it was an affair that involved not just the two of us but a whole bunch of “others”. Realization dawned.
Did that matter? I would like to believe it didn’t. But then I would be lying to say I didn’t feel depressed to know that there were “others”. Was I being possessive ? No. Because I didn’t possess it anyway. But there was something amazing about the “imagined” exclusive nature of my bonding with the bird that knowledge of the crowding killed. Was I shattered? Maybe I was. Because I decided to call it quits. I returned back to the routine. There was no more waiting. It was good once again. Till that day.
I cannot believe I have slipped into that thing again. But, I had no options. One fine morning, the bird was all mine. It paid me an exclusive visit. It woke me up with its song at my window. Affirmation it was!
Have I gone into a loop? Yes. I have. Am I being foolish? Maybe I am. But till there is a “break” I’ll go on.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Hail the Rulers!
Why does the heart push me hard?
Leave me with no options…
Where from surfaces the hidden Bard?
Romanticize the struggle…
Why do I go on to risk it all?
Brave a possible fall…
Do I have it in me?
The courage to let life crawl…
Would I look back with regret?
Broken with despair…
Isn’t it dangerous to day dream?
Thoughts run wild…
Aren’t they right in their reserve?
Impossibilities don’t escape them…
Did I not yearn for this life?
Free to live and free to die…
Did I ever ask for a choice?
I had every right…
Why do I seek a lost cause?
The glory has gone by…
Will it ever come to pass?
That elusive chance to stand tall…
What drives me to take my chance?
That promise of infallibility…
Why does the idea at all, enthrall?
The certainty of an empty all…
Am I not a liar?
Though, I have been honest…
I have all the answers…
Yet, aren’t they more than that?
I have let up…
Haven’t they seen my cards?
I am an optimist…
Isn’t that only right?
It isn’t a vicious world…
Wouldn’t it let me run my race?
The all too idealistic chase…
Why do I fancy the trashy dash?
The deserving always win their honor…
What then, is the need for the vain fight?
Solitude, I forever sought…
Why then, tears on being left out?
All set to wage a lonely battle…
Am I calling quits before its begun?
This war picture is a conjuration…
Isn’t it the product of a fertile imagination?
I play up things…
Doesn’t that make it easy to run riot?
There was something that egged me on…
Wasn’t it what I’ve lived by?
The spirit reigned…
Did I surrender to ruin?
It’s going in circles…
And didn’t I know it would.
I offer no defense. Resignation it is. Hail the Rulers!
Leave me with no options…
Where from surfaces the hidden Bard?
Romanticize the struggle…
Why do I go on to risk it all?
Brave a possible fall…
Do I have it in me?
The courage to let life crawl…
Would I look back with regret?
Broken with despair…
Isn’t it dangerous to day dream?
Thoughts run wild…
Aren’t they right in their reserve?
Impossibilities don’t escape them…
Did I not yearn for this life?
Free to live and free to die…
Did I ever ask for a choice?
I had every right…
Why do I seek a lost cause?
The glory has gone by…
Will it ever come to pass?
That elusive chance to stand tall…
What drives me to take my chance?
That promise of infallibility…
Why does the idea at all, enthrall?
The certainty of an empty all…
Am I not a liar?
Though, I have been honest…
I have all the answers…
Yet, aren’t they more than that?
I have let up…
Haven’t they seen my cards?
I am an optimist…
Isn’t that only right?
It isn’t a vicious world…
Wouldn’t it let me run my race?
The all too idealistic chase…
Why do I fancy the trashy dash?
The deserving always win their honor…
What then, is the need for the vain fight?
Solitude, I forever sought…
Why then, tears on being left out?
All set to wage a lonely battle…
Am I calling quits before its begun?
This war picture is a conjuration…
Isn’t it the product of a fertile imagination?
I play up things…
Doesn’t that make it easy to run riot?
There was something that egged me on…
Wasn’t it what I’ve lived by?
The spirit reigned…
Did I surrender to ruin?
It’s going in circles…
And didn’t I know it would.
I offer no defense. Resignation it is. Hail the Rulers!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
The great Life!
I cannot sleep today. My head seems to be on the verge of explosion with my imagination working overtime to paint pictures of the days to come. I always knew I was born to be an actor. What I did not know was that God was working a miracle for me. Ecstasy is an understatement for the elation I feel today after a performance that met with the usual applause to our play, but in addition brought me the company of the biggest name in the Film Industry. Isn’t this the moment I dreamt of each night, isn’t this what my heart yearned for each time I donned the greasepaint and brought alive my characters on stage, isn’t this the culmination of my short but eventful journey in theatre, isn’t this the start of my mission to rule the Silver Screen, isn’t this the fulfillment of my destiny to hobnob with the faces I worshipped. My mind tires me with countless thoughts it is churning out, I cannot rest.
Even as the thought of dizzying Success and Fame thrill me, I know it is going to be a tough decision for me. If acting has been a passion, Tennis has been my lifeline. It’s been my constant companion, a true friend. That incredible feeling of representing the hopes of a billion people and squeezing out of oneself, literally everything to make sure that victory is accomplished is a high that nothing else can compare to. I am lucky to have had parents who’ve supported a far-fetched dream. If they wouldn’t have let me drop out of school, if they would have suffocated me with their concern for my future, I would never have been the success that I am. If I sound proud of my achievement as an Indian tennis player who has made it big, it is simply because I certainly am. If Sania belonged to the top 50, I win Grand Slams. If she was a celebrated; I should be revered. It has not been a cake walk reaching where I am. I have pumped in my blood and sweat into the game. I deserve the rights to call it quits. If there are those , who damn me for the arrogance that makes me drop my rackets to run around trees, it is their problem. I did not play for their sake; neither do I act for them. They are welcome to wish me doom.
I don’t want to be a self-conceited fool. But, it is sometimes difficult to believe that I’ve had opportunities that mortals can only dream of. From being known in school as Einstein re-incarnated, to being touted as the next Sania Mirza and going ahead to exceed the expectations out of me, to falling in love with someone whom I consider the ultimate Film Maker of our times, so much so that acting and theater become a craze, to this day, when I am on the threshold of writing a new success story, my life looks like a dream. It indeed is one, the creation of a reverie!
Even as the thought of dizzying Success and Fame thrill me, I know it is going to be a tough decision for me. If acting has been a passion, Tennis has been my lifeline. It’s been my constant companion, a true friend. That incredible feeling of representing the hopes of a billion people and squeezing out of oneself, literally everything to make sure that victory is accomplished is a high that nothing else can compare to. I am lucky to have had parents who’ve supported a far-fetched dream. If they wouldn’t have let me drop out of school, if they would have suffocated me with their concern for my future, I would never have been the success that I am. If I sound proud of my achievement as an Indian tennis player who has made it big, it is simply because I certainly am. If Sania belonged to the top 50, I win Grand Slams. If she was a celebrated; I should be revered. It has not been a cake walk reaching where I am. I have pumped in my blood and sweat into the game. I deserve the rights to call it quits. If there are those , who damn me for the arrogance that makes me drop my rackets to run around trees, it is their problem. I did not play for their sake; neither do I act for them. They are welcome to wish me doom.
I don’t want to be a self-conceited fool. But, it is sometimes difficult to believe that I’ve had opportunities that mortals can only dream of. From being known in school as Einstein re-incarnated, to being touted as the next Sania Mirza and going ahead to exceed the expectations out of me, to falling in love with someone whom I consider the ultimate Film Maker of our times, so much so that acting and theater become a craze, to this day, when I am on the threshold of writing a new success story, my life looks like a dream. It indeed is one, the creation of a reverie!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)